Duke Usleiva : Ahoy fair sea man. I hath need of passage to Zagreb. Might I board thy poop deck?
Mikel Arc-Tender : Nay! This arc be-eth not for charter. A deluge cometh- all faithfull Evertonians shalt ride the arc to safety.
Genie Traore : Fie! 'tis not a very large arc!
Mikel Arc-Tender : 'tis not a very large club.
A scratching/struggling sound is heard from the deck door.
Mikel Arc-Tender : That foresooth is the captain. He hath trouble with yonder door knob. Opening doors with two hooks for hands is a quarrelsome deed.
The door finally opens and Looney Wayne, red faced, emerges on deck.
Duke Usleiva : Why 'tis Captain Hooker. Good morrow to thee good Captain.
Looney Wayne : Ock, grrrg <burp>
Mikel Arc-Tender : The captain wisheth thee call him 'Captain Wayne'.
Duke Usleiva : Captain, we wisheth passage to Zagreb. My bondsman, Genie Traore, hath brought 15 steak pies. The pies art for thee if thee grant us passage.
Mikel Arc-Tender : Fie! I hath told thee. This arc is only for true Evertonians. Those who art once a blue are always a blue.
Jamie pops out from behind a bush and raises his arms in protest then disappears again.
Looney Wayne : Uggg, argh <sneeze>
Mikel Arc-Tender : Foresooth, the good captain hath remindeth me. We shalt make exception when the payment is good. 15 pies now, and a further 15 when we reacheth Zagreb shalt earn thy passage.
Genie Traore carries the bag of pies to the boat, trips over his own feet and falls headfirst into the mersey with the bag of pies.
Duke Usleiva : Traore thou fool. The pies art ruined.
Looney Wayne : Ag, ug, <grunt>
Mikel Arc-Tender : The captain sayeth the pies art still good. The clean waters of the Mersey shalt not harm them. He wisheth to eat them now. He say thee may board; we set sail immediately.
Captain Hooker disappears back below deck carrying the soaked sack of pies.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Duke Usleiva VII - Ressurection of the Duke
Genie Traore : God's be blessed. Thou liveth again! Jamie doth got the blood of the virgin and mine spell hath brought thee back to life.
Duke Usleiva : Alas, heaven I doth liked. 'twas scouse heaven with beer and sport. Forsooth, is that Garynee Vile's head? I thought 'twas virgin blood thee needed- nay his whole head.
Jamie raises his arms in protest.
Jamie The Caregiver : Ay gorra little excited la. Ay 'ad fun like. Nah 'arm done.
Duke Usleiva : I thank thee both for thy rescue of mine. Alas, I must set back on my quest. I seeketh the mighty Igor. I must procure a ship for Zagreb. Cannst thou help?
Genie Traore : I doth knowest one ship in port. It 'twas built by Mikel Arc-tender and captained by Looney Wayne. No other ship docketh here without going back to the city and facing King Roy.
Duke Usleiva : Forsooth, my grandma hath told me of Looney Wayne, Captain Hooker she doth call him. That captain hath a hook on both hands. I must avoid his hookers.
Genie Traore : For sure, thou must avoid his hookers. They art old and rusty- grizzled and bent. 'tis a dangerous journey- thou shalt need help. I shall join thee. Jamie, thou must stay and guard our trail. Our foe shalt surely be pursuing the good duke- he must not be stopped before he findeth the mighty Igor.
Jamie raises his arms in protest.
Duke Usleiva : Alas, heaven I doth liked. 'twas scouse heaven with beer and sport. Forsooth, is that Garynee Vile's head? I thought 'twas virgin blood thee needed- nay his whole head.
Jamie raises his arms in protest.
Jamie The Caregiver : Ay gorra little excited la. Ay 'ad fun like. Nah 'arm done.
Duke Usleiva : I thank thee both for thy rescue of mine. Alas, I must set back on my quest. I seeketh the mighty Igor. I must procure a ship for Zagreb. Cannst thou help?
Genie Traore : I doth knowest one ship in port. It 'twas built by Mikel Arc-tender and captained by Looney Wayne. No other ship docketh here without going back to the city and facing King Roy.
Duke Usleiva : Forsooth, my grandma hath told me of Looney Wayne, Captain Hooker she doth call him. That captain hath a hook on both hands. I must avoid his hookers.
Genie Traore : For sure, thou must avoid his hookers. They art old and rusty- grizzled and bent. 'tis a dangerous journey- thou shalt need help. I shall join thee. Jamie, thou must stay and guard our trail. Our foe shalt surely be pursuing the good duke- he must not be stopped before he findeth the mighty Igor.
Jamie raises his arms in protest.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Act VI: Duke Usleiva's first time dying
Duke Usleiva awakes amidst white fluffy clouds
Duke Usleiva : Foresooth, alas I am slain?
God : Yis, but yous wul rise again laaaa.
Duke Usleiva : Be-eth this heaven?
God : Aye, 'tis scouse 'eavun. Through Shankly's pearly gates e'yer is all de carlsbg yous tinnie drink- an' thur ar 'arps playin' "You'll Never Walk Alone", know warra mean?
Duke Usleiva : And, pray-tell- over yonder- that dismall place of wood on the other side of the cloud. Be-eth that scouse hell?
God : Aye, dat is scouse 'ell. dee force yous ter dink chang beer- and choirs scream de z-cars theme whilst dee ay terrted.
Duke Usleiva : God, thou art also scouse? Thou doth soundeth like Jamie.
God : We're both from der pewl, know warra mean?
Duke Usleiva : I doth fear mine friend Jamie hath failed me. Here I lie dead. The genie Traore hath not me saved.
God : 'e 'asn't failed yous, evun now 'e rushes back ter make de wish ter de genie, Traore, darrell br'n yous back ter loife- like.
Duke Usleiva : I beseech thee God, what be that powder of white beside thee? Doth thou snorteth the powder?
God : 'ell nah yous divvie, that's me sugar fe me cuppa. Ay only snort goal lines.
Duke Usleiva : I feeleth myseth slippeth. Earth doth calleth mine body back. Shalt I return.
God : Do der pewl proud and yous wul retn.
Cue Tardis sound effects- Duke Usleiva flickers for a few seconds then disappears. God makes a cup of tea adds powdered sugar and milk.
Duke Usleiva : Foresooth, alas I am slain?
God : Yis, but yous wul rise again laaaa.
Duke Usleiva : Be-eth this heaven?
God : Aye, 'tis scouse 'eavun. Through Shankly's pearly gates e'yer is all de carlsbg yous tinnie drink- an' thur ar 'arps playin' "You'll Never Walk Alone", know warra mean?
Duke Usleiva : And, pray-tell- over yonder- that dismall place of wood on the other side of the cloud. Be-eth that scouse hell?
God : Aye, dat is scouse 'ell. dee force yous ter dink chang beer- and choirs scream de z-cars theme whilst dee ay terrted.
Duke Usleiva : God, thou art also scouse? Thou doth soundeth like Jamie.
God : We're both from der pewl, know warra mean?
Duke Usleiva : I doth fear mine friend Jamie hath failed me. Here I lie dead. The genie Traore hath not me saved.
God : 'e 'asn't failed yous, evun now 'e rushes back ter make de wish ter de genie, Traore, darrell br'n yous back ter loife- like.
Duke Usleiva : I beseech thee God, what be that powder of white beside thee? Doth thou snorteth the powder?
God : 'ell nah yous divvie, that's me sugar fe me cuppa. Ay only snort goal lines.
Duke Usleiva : I feeleth myseth slippeth. Earth doth calleth mine body back. Shalt I return.
God : Do der pewl proud and yous wul retn.
Cue Tardis sound effects- Duke Usleiva flickers for a few seconds then disappears. God makes a cup of tea adds powdered sugar and milk.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Act V : The Duke meets the Genie
Jamie Caregiver carries Duke Usleiva through the woods.
Duke Usleiva : I doth feelest weak... I fear tonight bringeth mine death.
Jamie Caregiver : Yous arrite laaaa, I'll suv yous.
Duke Usleiva : Mine eyes doth failest. Doth these trees yonder haveth balls? Am I crazy
Jamie Caregiver : Nah not dewlally; Yis, de trees 'uv cockweights. It wuz Keen-Robbie he wished the Genie; sed he wanted "T'ree Balls". Am tak'n yous ter de genie now.
The two men approach a little hut in a clearing. A Genie comes running out, tripping over a log falling face first into the dirt. He struggles to his feet.
Genie Traore : Hark, sir Jamie, and the Duke Usleiva. I hath forseen thy coming. Thou wishest I save the Duke's life?
Jamie Caregiver : Yis, Genie Traore 'e is one o' me mates. Ay wish ter use me last wish ter suv 'is loife.
Duke Usleiva : Please I beseech thee, save me. And retie thy robes, it cameth undone when thou fellest. Thy hath an ungodly tackle Traore.
The Genie attempts to retie his robe but ties his arm up in the process.
Genie Traore : Then thou knowest what must be done. I needth the blood of a virgin.
Jamie Caregiver : Duke, yous stay e'yer, let de genie blimp afti yous- I'll bowl collect Garynee Vile's blewd.
Jamie hands the Duke to the Genie and rushes off into the woods. The duke passes out. The Genie, struggles to carry the Duke into his hut accidentally bashing his head on every tree they pass.
Duke Usleiva : I doth feelest weak... I fear tonight bringeth mine death.
Jamie Caregiver : Yous arrite laaaa, I'll suv yous.
Duke Usleiva : Mine eyes doth failest. Doth these trees yonder haveth balls? Am I crazy
Jamie Caregiver : Nah not dewlally; Yis, de trees 'uv cockweights. It wuz Keen-Robbie he wished the Genie; sed he wanted "T'ree Balls". Am tak'n yous ter de genie now.
The two men approach a little hut in a clearing. A Genie comes running out, tripping over a log falling face first into the dirt. He struggles to his feet.
Genie Traore : Hark, sir Jamie, and the Duke Usleiva. I hath forseen thy coming. Thou wishest I save the Duke's life?
Jamie Caregiver : Yis, Genie Traore 'e is one o' me mates. Ay wish ter use me last wish ter suv 'is loife.
Duke Usleiva : Please I beseech thee, save me. And retie thy robes, it cameth undone when thou fellest. Thy hath an ungodly tackle Traore.
The Genie attempts to retie his robe but ties his arm up in the process.
Genie Traore : Then thou knowest what must be done. I needth the blood of a virgin.
Jamie Caregiver : Duke, yous stay e'yer, let de genie blimp afti yous- I'll bowl collect Garynee Vile's blewd.
Jamie hands the Duke to the Genie and rushes off into the woods. The duke passes out. The Genie, struggles to carry the Duke into his hut accidentally bashing his head on every tree they pass.
Act IV : An encounter on the road
Duke Usleiva : 'tis a dark lonely road today. Hark! What is that? 'tis a highwayman. No, 'tis Craig the Bellringer. Ahoy mine welsh friend, what bringest thou out?
Bellringer : Good eve' mine friend. I seeketh the glory of the Karaoke willst thou join me?
Duke Usleiva : Alas, I am on a mission most grievious; I must not tarry lest King Roy sendeth men after me.
Bellringer : Thou insulteth me, if thou willt not Karaoke with me thou is no friend of mine. I insist, Karaoke or die!
Craig the Bellringer proceeds to beat Duke Usleiva with a golf club he had hidden beneath his robes
Duke Usleiva : Oh foul demons of fate where hath thou leadeth me? Pray tell, is that a golf club thou beatest me with?
Bellringer : Verily, 'tis a 7-iron, beautiful isn't it... see the curves, the sleekness, 'tis as beautiful as a sheep. I doth use it to ringeth the bells. Hark! Someone comes, I must flee lest they find me...
Craig the Bellringer runs off the stage. Dropping a scroll on the floor out of his robes.
Duke Usleiva : 'tis too late, I fear I be near slain, my legs are broken forsooth. Who cometh to saveth me?
Why 'tis Jamie the Caregiver.
Jamie the Caregiver, rescues Duke Usleiva and carries him off the stage.
Bellringer : Good eve' mine friend. I seeketh the glory of the Karaoke willst thou join me?
Duke Usleiva : Alas, I am on a mission most grievious; I must not tarry lest King Roy sendeth men after me.
Bellringer : Thou insulteth me, if thou willt not Karaoke with me thou is no friend of mine. I insist, Karaoke or die!
Craig the Bellringer proceeds to beat Duke Usleiva with a golf club he had hidden beneath his robes
Duke Usleiva : Oh foul demons of fate where hath thou leadeth me? Pray tell, is that a golf club thou beatest me with?
Bellringer : Verily, 'tis a 7-iron, beautiful isn't it... see the curves, the sleekness, 'tis as beautiful as a sheep. I doth use it to ringeth the bells. Hark! Someone comes, I must flee lest they find me...
Craig the Bellringer runs off the stage. Dropping a scroll on the floor out of his robes.
Duke Usleiva : 'tis too late, I fear I be near slain, my legs are broken forsooth. Who cometh to saveth me?
Why 'tis Jamie the Caregiver.
Jamie the Caregiver, rescues Duke Usleiva and carries him off the stage.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Act III - The Dark Count
Dark Count : Hark! Who doth goes there.
Duke Usleiva : Why, 'tis I, Dark Count, thy fellow liege of the Baron Etez. Is that a headless chicken thou holdest?
Dark Count : The hour is doth late. Why doth thou leave the fort at this hour? King Roy warned me to watch for thee. He said to catch thou and "bwing thee back to be wed". ... and ignore thee mine chicken.
Duke Usleiva : Fie! Wed? And for nought? Wilst thou ruin the playboy image of mine? The ladies doth loveth the defensive side-passing rogue that is the Duke Usleiva. Mine teeth. Mine hair. Like thee- Dark Count of the right wing, the ladies love me. Oh, and seriously, I beseech thee...what with the chicken?
Dark Count : I cannot let thee leaveth. King Roy commandeth- and I give all for the team. Ignore thee the headless chicken. If thou must go- then thee must fight me.
Duke Usleiva : Then fight we shalt, I must leave the fort- I do this for Master Rano, for Prince Albert, I knoweth about my Uncle. (thou learneth to run from the chicken dothent thou).
Dark Count : DESIST about the chicken!!!!! If thou only knowest the power of the Dark Count's Side. Baron Etez never toldeth thou what happened to thy uncle.
Duke Usleiva : He doth toldeth me enough! Thou hast him slain!
Dark Count : No. I be-est thy uncle.
Duke Usleiva : Fie! 'tis impossible.
Dark Count : Searcheth thy feelings. Thou knowest it be verily.
Duke Usleiva : NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO!
Dark Count : Duke, I am thy uncle, come joinest me and rule Liverpool as uncle and nephew.
Duke Usleiva : NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO!
Dark Count : Oh, alright then! Can nix say I hath not tried. Thou mayest leave the fort- but may the fort be with thee. Adieu till next time.
Duke Usleiva : And may the fort be with thou too uncle. I shalt seek the might Igor and bring him back to Liverpool. I shalt bring back Baron Etez too. Glory shall be ours.
Duke Usleiva : Why, 'tis I, Dark Count, thy fellow liege of the Baron Etez. Is that a headless chicken thou holdest?
Dark Count : The hour is doth late. Why doth thou leave the fort at this hour? King Roy warned me to watch for thee. He said to catch thou and "bwing thee back to be wed". ... and ignore thee mine chicken.
Duke Usleiva : Fie! Wed? And for nought? Wilst thou ruin the playboy image of mine? The ladies doth loveth the defensive side-passing rogue that is the Duke Usleiva. Mine teeth. Mine hair. Like thee- Dark Count of the right wing, the ladies love me. Oh, and seriously, I beseech thee...what with the chicken?
Dark Count : I cannot let thee leaveth. King Roy commandeth- and I give all for the team. Ignore thee the headless chicken. If thou must go- then thee must fight me.
Duke Usleiva : Then fight we shalt, I must leave the fort- I do this for Master Rano, for Prince Albert, I knoweth about my Uncle. (thou learneth to run from the chicken dothent thou).
Dark Count : DESIST about the chicken!!!!! If thou only knowest the power of the Dark Count's Side. Baron Etez never toldeth thou what happened to thy uncle.
Duke Usleiva : He doth toldeth me enough! Thou hast him slain!
Dark Count : No. I be-est thy uncle.
Duke Usleiva : Fie! 'tis impossible.
Dark Count : Searcheth thy feelings. Thou knowest it be verily.
Duke Usleiva : NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO!
Dark Count : Duke, I am thy uncle, come joinest me and rule Liverpool as uncle and nephew.
Duke Usleiva : NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO!
Dark Count : Oh, alright then! Can nix say I hath not tried. Thou mayest leave the fort- but may the fort be with thee. Adieu till next time.
Duke Usleiva : And may the fort be with thou too uncle. I shalt seek the might Igor and bring him back to Liverpool. I shalt bring back Baron Etez too. Glory shall be ours.
Act II - The wounded Prince Albert
Master Rano: I telleth thee Duke, I cannot stay, my ship saileth away to Spain tomorrow. My wife heard of thy encounter with the King and how he wisheth thou wed. She fears he plans the same for me.
Duke Usleiva: Hark, I hear a sound. Despair lingers in that sound. He is hurt.
Master Rano: 'tis my Prince Albert. My Prince Albert doth sound out in pain.
Duke Usleiva: Alas, thy Prince Albert, thou hath been pierced?
Prince Alberto: I am slain! I am injured! Wireless Raul doth slappeth me with his blackberry. The antenna woundeth my buttock cheek.
Master Rano: Forsooth, 'tis a foul deed that doth darken our kingdom. First the Baron Etez is banished from our shores... now my Prince Albert lays limp in the mud. Prince Alberto of Aquilani, showeth us thy wound.
Master Rano: By the gods! I see a large crack in they skin!
Duke Usleiva: Why, 'tis nonesuch a scrath.
Prince Alberto: Fie! 'tis mortal. The bench of the sick beckons me- then the grave.
Master Rano: Prince Alberto of Aquilani, escapeth thou with me to Europe. Duke, shalt thou join us?
Duke Usleiva: Alas, I must remain to cast revenge. No man born of woman shalt injure my friends and live to tell.
Master Rano: 'tis too late. The warlock, Ryan Bad-Spell, hath tweeteth from Wireless Raul's laptop about the foul deed.
Duke Usleiva: Alas, then I must act swift to rectify these wrongs. I must summon the mighty Igor.
Duke Usleiva: Hark, I hear a sound. Despair lingers in that sound. He is hurt.
Master Rano: 'tis my Prince Albert. My Prince Albert doth sound out in pain.
Duke Usleiva: Alas, thy Prince Albert, thou hath been pierced?
Prince Alberto: I am slain! I am injured! Wireless Raul doth slappeth me with his blackberry. The antenna woundeth my buttock cheek.
Master Rano: Forsooth, 'tis a foul deed that doth darken our kingdom. First the Baron Etez is banished from our shores... now my Prince Albert lays limp in the mud. Prince Alberto of Aquilani, showeth us thy wound.
Master Rano: By the gods! I see a large crack in they skin!
Duke Usleiva: Why, 'tis nonesuch a scrath.
Prince Alberto: Fie! 'tis mortal. The bench of the sick beckons me- then the grave.
Master Rano: Prince Alberto of Aquilani, escapeth thou with me to Europe. Duke, shalt thou join us?
Duke Usleiva: Alas, I must remain to cast revenge. No man born of woman shalt injure my friends and live to tell.
Master Rano: 'tis too late. The warlock, Ryan Bad-Spell, hath tweeteth from Wireless Raul's laptop about the foul deed.
Duke Usleiva: Alas, then I must act swift to rectify these wrongs. I must summon the mighty Igor.
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